Most everyone knows Murphy’s Law. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. And at the worst time! Those of us who garden suspect that Murphy is a bit too optimistic. Hopefully, our list of funny plant sayings, garden quotes, homesteading gags, and farm wisdom will have you smiling, nodding sagely, or guffawing out loud.
We scoured every garden, farm, almanac, and University outpost to put these funny plant sayings and farm quotes together. We also tried our best to cite the original authors – and give credit where it’s due. We hope you enjoy reading them!
Funny Plant Quotes, Nature Sayings, and Gardening Wisdom
- What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global worming!
- Why are husbands like lawnmowers? They are tough to get started. They emit foul smells – and they don’t work half the time!
- Gardening is not a rational act. – Margaret Atwood.
- Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough. – Unknown.
- My neighbor with huge bosoms keeps gardening outside shirtless all day. I wish his wife would do the same! (Lol!)
- A man should never plant a garden too big for his wife to handle.
- If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Two of my wife’s aunts lived side by side. One aunt was a country girl – and she grew delicious tomatoes. The other aunt was a teacher – and she didn’t plant anything. The teacher tried every trick without success. Finally, she resorted to swearing at them. Then direct threats of uprooting each morning on the way out of the house. It turns out she was much better at ripening children than tomatoes!
- Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden. – Anonymous.
- A weed is a plant not only in the wrong place but intends to stay. – Sara Stein.
- Despite man’s artistic pretensions, sophistication, and many accomplishments, he owes his existence to a six-inch layer of topsoil and the fact that it rains. – Paul Harvey.
- Despite the gardener’s best intentions, Nature will improvise. – Michael Garofalo.
How Does Your Garden Grow Quotes
- Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. – Dave Barry.
- When weeding, the best way to ensure you remove a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If the plant comes out of the ground easily, it is an invaluable plant! – Unknown.
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully. But the darn tomatoes won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes. And she’s getting tired of it! She goes to her neighbor and asks the following.
Your tomatoes are ripe, but my tomatoes are green. What can I do about it?
The neighbor replies. Well, it may sound absurd but try this. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark. And they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning, they’ll all be red, you’ll see.
Figuring she didn’t have anything to lose, the woman agrees and tries it. The next day her neighbor asks how it worked. So-so. she answers. The tomatoes are still green. But the cucumbers are all four inches longer!
How Do You Caption a Plant?
Here are some of our favorite plant sayings from Mark Twain, Brian Gordan, and a few unknown (but impactful) authors.
- Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain.
- When you’re good with plants, they say you have a green thumb. I kill every goddam plant I touch. Sadly, there’s no cute name for that. – Brian Gordon
- You grow, girl! – Unknown
- You had me at aloe! – Unknown
- I wet my plants! – Unknown
- Elvis Parsley – Unknown
Hungry for more funny plant sayings and garden gags? Here's our favorite collection! It's Jokes for Farmers by Chester Croker. The book contains plenty of cheesy one-liners, which we love. The book also contains funny story-based jokes that farmers will share with their ranching friends. The book is 98 pages. The book is fun - but you shouldn't take it too seriously. Worry warts need not apply!
Homesteading Is Not for the Faint Hearted
Here’s another hilarious batch of funny plant sayings, homesteading, and gardening wisdom. (From Homestead.org and others.)
- A broke homesteader decided to make some extra money during the watermelon season. He went to the local farmers and bought their watermelons for fifty cents each. Then took them to the farmer’s market in town and sold them all at two for a dollar. When he got home, his thrifty wife noted that he didn’t have any more money than when he started. What are you going to do next? she asked him. He then replied – Maybe I need a bigger truck! – Humor on the Homestead.
- An agriculture student said the following to a farmer. I know you want to use organic methods, but if you were to switch over to standard agricultural techniques, a little of this new chemical fertilizer, for example, I think you’d be surprised. Why I’ll bet that this tree alone would give you twenty-five percent more apples. – The homesteader replied – I sure would be surprised – this is a pear tree!
- Don’t name too many animals because you WILL have to eat them.
- A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. And while he’s there, he meets an Aussie farmer. They start talking, and the Aussie farmer shows off his big wheat field. The Texan is unimpressed and says – We have wheat fields at least twice as large! They walk around the ranch a little more, and then the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan is again unimpressed and says – We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows. They continue walking around the ranch when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie – And what are those? The Aussie replies – Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas?
- The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him. I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them! Demanded the agent. Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He takes home $10 a week. And I buy him a bottle of bourbon every week. Replied the farmer. That’s the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit. Said the agent. Then the farmer said – That would be me! – Reddit
- I was walking past a farm. A sign said – Duck, Eggs. Then I said – That’s an unnecessary comma! – and then it hit me!
- On a rural road, a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said the following. – Excuse me, sir. Do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back? Then the farmer replied – Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
- I got a job working in a hay field. After one day, I baled!
- A chicken farmer’s favorite car is a coupe.
Plant Quotes, Puns, and Farm Sayings
- I soiled myself. Again!
- I’m the heart and soil of this place
- I want to get into your plants
- Alexa, water the plants.
- Home is where I kill the plants
- In a world of pansies, be a cactus
- I make the air you breathe. You owe me.
- What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bedtime!
- What kinds of pigs know karate? Pork chops.
- What do you call a cow with no calf? Decaffeinated
- What do you call a small pork farm? A hamlet.
- On organic farms, they till it like it is.
- What do you get when you mix broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man. A melonccoli!
- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- I haven’t botany plants today.
- Grow with the flow.
- I’m sexy. And I grow it!
- You need to herb your enthusiasm.
- What dating app does a tree use? Timber.
- Plants are my soil mates.
- Hey – keep it in your plants!
- I can’t believe I finally get to meet you – I’m your biggest fern!
- Talk dirt to me.
- I’m kind-of a big dill.
- What a spud muffin.
- Seed you later.
- Support plant parenthood.
- I do not need fewer plants! I need more shelves!
Funny Plant Quotes, Nature Jokes, and Outdoor Wisdom From Around the Web
We’ve searched for the best animal, farming, and homesteading jokes. Below you’ll find some of our favorites from around the web. We hope they make your day funner. And funnier!
The extended Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong at the worst possible time. So why do we garden, go homesteading, farm, or raise plants?
Here are some of my wife’s reasons.
Thanks again for reading our favorite list of funny plant sayings, gardening quotes, and outdoor wisdom!
We tried our best to cite sources where appropriate.
If you find any errors in our citations, please let us know.
And – if you have other plant sayings, garden jokes, nature quotes, and other outdoor-related idioms, please share them with us!
Thanks again for reading.
And – have a great day!